My thoughts drifted to perhaps populating this once-special testament to the rage BigBoy and I had towards idiots, and sometimes life in general, as I've been packing up my crap in preparation for a move as of late, and I've been sorting through the detritus of my life in order to "lighten the load". I've come across various interesting bits and bobs of a by-gone period in my life, which was populated by utter nonsense and ridiculousness, and it's put me in a rather melancholic state of mind. I'm not necessarily "sad" that I've lost things and people that meant a great deal, but more, I'm disappointed that I put so much importance on those things, and lost a great deal of time feeding that beast, wasting my life.
I came across a little note that I received from someone who was a part of that period in my life, someone who we (my dude and myself...come to think of it, BigBoy as well) thought were good friends, and it got me wondering about them...so, me being my usual shadenfreude-indulgent self, did some facebook-creeping. (Yes, I have stalker tendencies...so sue me. No wait...don't...I'm unemployed...blood from a stone kinda deal, eh?) I recall making a post that was somewhat vicious, aimed in their general direction, and after much contemplation, that particular sentiment has waned...but has only now been replaced with pity, really, especially now that a variety of things have come to light. (Yes, I CAN feel pity. Remorse, not so much. I haven't been labelled a vindictive bitch for nothing, ya know?) Anyway, while trolling this person's account, I came across a quote they had posted, which may or may not have been directed at myself, or anyone else involved in a particularly epic falling-out of our group, splitting us quite neatly into 2 camps (yes, this does have to do with a certain Senior of the crazy-pants variety)...I'm just assuming. This quote went something along the lines of "the best revenge is to forget an insult"...I'm sure anyone reading this, who knows the situation, will realize immediately to whom I'm referring. No bother...I'm not saying anything insulting, just truth.
Anyway, this got my hamsters a-workin', and to be frank, I do somewhat agree with that sentiment, and thought I should apply it as well. I mean, forgetting is what helps you move on, right? Once forgotten, you can begin to forgive, is how I'm assuming the logic follows. Or something. So, I'm going to write my list of things to forget, with the hope that if I can't at least make this a clean break, it will at least demonstrate why this whole thing has filled me with so much dirty, dirty rage and hurt :P
I may not forgive, but I will forget:
...that I was always made to feel like a second-class citizen by people who I thought were very close friends, through actions, and words spoken to others that they thought I would never hear about. (Yeah, things have a way of getting back to people in this back-asswards city, especially when you're in the same "scene"...I heard what you said there)
...that I was expected to keep things from other friends, like "oh, she's so YOUNG and immature. I don't really like her anyway", so you could keep strict delineations between people, in the case that the inevitable blow-out would happen, and you could always have someone on your side about the other party, and seem in the right. (I also know that I was on the end of one of those tirades as well...see above about I hear what you're sayin there)
...that my "being a good friend", and giving you constructive advice to help you change the things in your life you complained about incessantly would come back to bite me in the ass, in the form of "she's always trying to tell me what to do...she thinks she's so much better than me."
...that I was pegged as doing things out of "jealousy", and my motives were constantly questioned, despite glaring evidence to the contrary.
...that I was always expected to lie, outright, for both parties, to their significant others, on a variety of things, ranging from little white lies, to great-big, earth-shattering cover-ups.
...that I have still not revealed these things to a single soul, yet my deepest, darkest trusts have been exposed for all to see, and to be judged on, out of sheer ignorance and malice.
...that I was the only dependable person who could be called, when one of you got far too coked-out at work, to even manage to get home safely, instead of calling your significant other and explaining what you did, and risking the blow-out. I will also forget that I was then expected to lie, straight to their face about it, while you sketched out on my couch, not speaking, and subsequently having to deal with the barrage of questions.
...that my worth as a friend, and person, was allowed to be called into question by someone who is clearly a) unstable; b) wanting to split up a relationship for his own benefit; c)an outright, proven-to-be, malicious liar who has never been made to suffer the consequences of his own actions. (And don't even tell me he has, because to be frank, everything that's happened to him over the last 2 years has been COMPLETELY his own doing, which he has since shrugged off, and blamed others for)
...that I and my significant other have been made to suffer the consequences of this person's actions, along with a slew of other people who were incredibly undeserving of it, who have also now been judged and labelled.
...that we are expected to keep the fact that neither of you can be honest enough to say you've lied to each other about how you feel about each other, and that you've got others you're lusting after.
...that I was held to judgement for malicious things I said about someone, after hearing nothing but how horribly they treated your significant other, without knowing that your heart actually belonged to them.
...that being my friend was never good enough, and you both were constantly searching for something better to do, someone better to hang out with, or some more scene-cred-increasing event to be seen at, at least when copious amounts of drugs were not involved.
...that the fact that I play video games, can build my own computer, and don't get off on inane "girly stuff" made me some sort of outcast that was fair game for the shit-talkers, usually spear-headed by one particular person.
...that you ruined my 30th birthday, god-damn it, with your childish attitude and panties in a twist, because we didn't do what YOU wanted to, and go to some stupid club to see some stupid dj that I, ME, the BIRTHDAY GIRL, didn't have time to see because of a work conference, and because, for fuck's sake, I didn't WANT TO, which everyone around then had to suffer your wrath for, with attitude, poutiness and underhanded comments.
...that I was judged as malicious after a rather ill-thought-out blog post written out of hurt and anger, after all of these items.
Wow...ok, so getting through this list might take some time. Jinkies. Ah well...at least now I have an itemized list to work from :)
So kids, writing down a list of things to forget might be completely counter-intuitive, but hot-damn, I feel a million pounds lighter! I was apparently in need of a cathartic experience. So thank you, people who's names I've now forgotten, for giving me the inspiration to forget ....uh...what was I talking about?..
