AAAHHHWWW GOD WHYYYY! BigBoy on Relationships...

Ever find yourself asking this very question after leaving/running screaming from a relationship that has left you feeling like a giant blood sucking bat just devoured your entire supply, leaving you a dry, shriveled, bitter and much wiser shell of your former self? I have. Quite recently in fact. I would like to stress the "MUCH WISER" part of that sentence, for it has never been more true than it is now. Below I will lay out 3 simple rules that will guarantee you'll never have to ask "AAAHHHHWWW WHHHYYYY!!??!?!?" again.

1) Don't date a drug addict. Some would see this as common sense...I seem to lack that all important sense. I often found myself thinking "holy fucking christ, he does more cocaine than a 1980s wall street executive strapped to the back of a cocaine addicted elephant strapped to the back of Chris Farley! But he has such lovely eyes....".

This is where I should have committed suicide, because the ensuing relationship was quite possibly worse than any death I could have possibly imagined...including being eaten alive by spiders while falling ten thousand feet to a rocky death where sharks and lions will rip the flesh from my body and witches will make flutes from my femers. Paranoid accusations, violated privacy, emotional immaturity, incapability of making sense of their own thoughts...yeah, drug addicts are awesome.

2) Don't date a man with more hair on his body than a musk ox on rogaine. I'm talkin SO hairy, you can't even SEE the skin underneath.

I would wake up on some mornings and find little hairs in my mouth and wonder "how did those get there, I didn't even cuddle him", that's when I realised the gorilla shed like a fucking bearcat (it exists, I swear!). I could have created a new species from the shed hairs found in the sheets...a gorillabearcat. Brute strength of a silverback combined with the winey persistance of a spoiled domestic house cat combined with the awesomeness of bear...truly terrifying.

On the flip-side, don't date a bald/balding man either. You'll never enjoy the missionary position again. Not only do you get a front row view of his balding pattern (I will forever see that optical illusion with the 2 faces/lamp in his male pattern baldness ridden scalp), but any sweat his hair would have caught while furiously (yet unsuccesfully) trying to please you will drip with pinpoint accuracy right into your eyes. Don't try to avoid the drips, you can't. I tried and they ended up in my mouth. Chinese water torture, now with salt!

3) When you start to notice that your man CUMS LIKE A WOMAN, it's time to walk away...or run, run as fast as you can, hop on a motorcycle towards the airport, jump from the motorcycle onto a jet as it's taking off and then swing your way on over onto the nearest passing rocket ship to the moon...if you forget your shoes in the process, leave them behind princess, you can always buy a new pair on the moon. Any man that arches his back, and then spends the next 5 full minutes panting and doing some sort of epileptic dance on your crotch while cumming is making on my short list for "creepiest things a man can do while naked" (coming soon!). Nothing will dry a woman out faster than seeing this scene happen on her, except for maybe having that man give birth to a fetus via his mouth while doing his epileptic crotch dance.

So there ya go folks...3 easy steps to ensuring you'll never regret another relationship. Well, sorta...there's more but I'm lazy and it's Monday.